.mr napkin head.

listen. i know that jude law is kind of a dick or whatever, but he is really really hot in "the holiday." he's got his full head of hair, his two cute daughters, his dreamy accent, his cozy country house - i mean, i want all of it. and yes, i am watching the holiday. and i'm drinking tea, my sweats are on, my bra is off, and really just having a bang up time here in apartment 103 on this lovely wednesday evening.

i'm trying out this new thing people talk about called "relaxing." though, as you can see it's a work in progress as i'm multitasking watching a movie and writing. but i find it hard in this digital age to just do one thing anymore. have you made it through a movie or tv show at home without checking your phone to see if anything has changed in 5 minutes? i struggle with that.

but i guess tonight the progress is that i'm not obsessing over things i have been obsessing over lately - my apartment, my job, my upcoming stacay and vacay. these are things i continually use to distract myself, things i pick up and play with that i don't need to be worried about. i like to create drama i don't need to feel something, to feel normal, to not feel other emotions that are uncomfortable oh my god, jude law just put his glasses on.

well, that's enough to get me paying full attention again. goodnight.

xoxo
meags

.handle with care.

i'm working on the concept of being gentle with myself. 

i got my hair done for the first time earlier by a friend of a friend who is also my friend (you know how it goes), and was both taken aback and pleasantly surprised when she offered me the friend discount for her services - so the total was much lower than i was expecting. in fact, the combination of the hair color + haircut was the same price as JUST the hair color at the fancy beverly hills salon i had been frequenting. so instead of saying something like "wow, k! thank you so much, that's so sweet you're so amazing," i blurted out "wow, you're a bargain!"

WHAT. 

why on earth would those words come out of my mouth? bargain? ugh, so of course, after that, i got in my car and my words replayed in my head over and over and over again and i allowed myself to indulge in beating myself up. did i insult her? did she think i was rude? why did i have to use the word bargain? who says shit like that? and on and on and on. so much so, that i felt the need to text her and thank her again for making me look so good, and she texted back some smileys blowing kisses and i felt a little better. 

the progress comes in that it only lasted for a small part of the morning and i was able to let it go and continue on with the day. but i guess i am still thinking about it a little if i'm writing about it now (whatever). who knows. the point is, i'm learning. and i feel pretty good about it. 

xoxo

meags

.there goes the fear.

as the laughter died down and we paused a moment to compose ourselves, she asked "what would your dream job be?" she looked to me to answer first, and like every time when someone looks at me that way, waiting, demanding a response, my mind went blank and i couldn't think. what do i want? what do i like? what am i? who am i? i nervously rambled on and on about "regular hours" and "something not really in the office all the time" but never really said much of anything. i heard my other friend say that if she could do anything she would have a clothing line, but she really did enjoy her current job in advertising sales so she had no complaints. i think n mentioned something about working in her current field, in social work and therapy, as she did like helping people. and m would make documentary films, though she hasn't quite narrowed down her subject. everyone had answered the question, and the the natural flow of conversation suggested we move on to another subject. and at this exact moment, i was able to gather my thoughts and i thought 'i need to get this out i need to say this right now, i need people to know who i am, what i'm thinking, i need myself to know!'

"I THINK I WOULD BE A WRITER."

the words hung in the air, taunting me. but not with ridicule as they had been before. this time challenging me to follow.

i immediately went home, giddy with the prospect of writing something, anything, no matter how shitty it would be. because when i write about my dreams in my blog, they usually come true.

challenge accepted, universe.

xoxox
meags

.presents.

it's been two months since i've been back in LA. and it's funny because when you're living in NY, you miss all of your friends in LA and you think "when i live in LA, i'll get to see them all the time, it's gonna be so great, etc etc."and you get to LA and you realize that everyone has built a life of their own while you were gone (the world doesn't revolve around you, meagen!). and they have their own jobs and commitments and friends and love. just like the life you were building while you were in NY, getting friends, and jobs, and exploring and falling in love with the city. except when friends started moving away, moving in, moving up, moving on. and the city became suffocating with it's people, it's dizzying array of opportunities for "your perfect weekend" that constantly made me throw up my arms and prefer the company of friends re-runs in bed, the pressure to create and do and assimilate into the creative cog. the weather.

and there's that old saying that wherever you go, there you are. and i know that to be true. i'm a living example of it right this very moment. and i'm totally fucking struggling with it. being present. the idea that your problems don't go away when you move locations. and this whole last year, essentially being on the road, traveling between cities, having no apartment, no commitments, constantly finding solutions. i ask myself constantly - was i and have i been running away from the present? or have i been trying to live in the moment and take in everything life has to offer? have i been barely hanging on or living on the edge? why is it so hard to tell the difference?

to be honest, this is the first time i've written about it. moving. the fact that i really have made the decision (one down!) to move back to los angeles. and i know, in my heart, that it is what i have been wanting for the last year, but too afraid to admit to myself. (new york i love you, but you're bringing me down.) and for a city i knew i could live in for 2 years, i lived in for 5. and i should be proud of myself for that! i really, really really enjoyed my time there. i mean not always, of course. but i like to remember it that way. wow. i just thought about it. sunday is my 5 year anniversary with new york. and i'm celebrating it in LA.

i don't think it's any coincidence that i've ended up here and i know that i'm exactly where i need to be. it's just that sometimes it's hard to let go of trying to figure it all out, and just let yourself live it.

to be continued.....

xoxo
meags

.hotel california.

i am subletting a studio apartment in Beverly Hills from a 50ish year old man who owns his own hot sauce business. even though he seemed perfectly nice and the apt is fine, albeit a little hippie-ish and dude-y, these are the thoughts that ran through my mind from 11:30p-3:30am

1. is the man in the closet waiting to kill me? lets check. twice. 

2. if he's not in the closet, he has a set of keys so is he going to come back to the apt and kill me?!?!! probably. 

3. this heater is old and gas based. what if there is a gas leak in the apt? are my lips cherry red? do I have a headache? 

4. oh man, I'm starting to get a headache. is it the gas? or do I have an anuerism. 

5. I feel dizzy. gas leak!!!! 

6. does this mattress have bedbugs? I think I'm itchy. 

7. ugh, it's 3am. do I have to pee? I don't want to pee. oh great, now I really have to pee.

8. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow.

i may have issues. viva 2014. 

xo,

meags