.presents.

it's been two months since i've been back in LA. and it's funny because when you're living in NY, you miss all of your friends in LA and you think "when i live in LA, i'll get to see them all the time, it's gonna be so great, etc etc."and you get to LA and you realize that everyone has built a life of their own while you were gone (the world doesn't revolve around you, meagen!). and they have their own jobs and commitments and friends and love. just like the life you were building while you were in NY, getting friends, and jobs, and exploring and falling in love with the city. except when friends started moving away, moving in, moving up, moving on. and the city became suffocating with it's people, it's dizzying array of opportunities for "your perfect weekend" that constantly made me throw up my arms and prefer the company of friends re-runs in bed, the pressure to create and do and assimilate into the creative cog. the weather.

and there's that old saying that wherever you go, there you are. and i know that to be true. i'm a living example of it right this very moment. and i'm totally fucking struggling with it. being present. the idea that your problems don't go away when you move locations. and this whole last year, essentially being on the road, traveling between cities, having no apartment, no commitments, constantly finding solutions. i ask myself constantly - was i and have i been running away from the present? or have i been trying to live in the moment and take in everything life has to offer? have i been barely hanging on or living on the edge? why is it so hard to tell the difference?

to be honest, this is the first time i've written about it. moving. the fact that i really have made the decision (one down!) to move back to los angeles. and i know, in my heart, that it is what i have been wanting for the last year, but too afraid to admit to myself. (new york i love you, but you're bringing me down.) and for a city i knew i could live in for 2 years, i lived in for 5. and i should be proud of myself for that! i really, really really enjoyed my time there. i mean not always, of course. but i like to remember it that way. wow. i just thought about it. sunday is my 5 year anniversary with new york. and i'm celebrating it in LA.

i don't think it's any coincidence that i've ended up here and i know that i'm exactly where i need to be. it's just that sometimes it's hard to let go of trying to figure it all out, and just let yourself live it.

to be continued.....

xoxo
meags

.hotel california.

i am subletting a studio apartment in Beverly Hills from a 50ish year old man who owns his own hot sauce business. even though he seemed perfectly nice and the apt is fine, albeit a little hippie-ish and dude-y, these are the thoughts that ran through my mind from 11:30p-3:30am

1. is the man in the closet waiting to kill me? lets check. twice. 

2. if he's not in the closet, he has a set of keys so is he going to come back to the apt and kill me?!?!! probably. 

3. this heater is old and gas based. what if there is a gas leak in the apt? are my lips cherry red? do I have a headache? 

4. oh man, I'm starting to get a headache. is it the gas? or do I have an anuerism. 

5. I feel dizzy. gas leak!!!! 

6. does this mattress have bedbugs? I think I'm itchy. 

7. ugh, it's 3am. do I have to pee? I don't want to pee. oh great, now I really have to pee.

8. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow.

i may have issues. viva 2014. 

xo,

meags