.handle with care.

i'm working on the concept of being gentle with myself. 

i got my hair done for the first time earlier by a friend of a friend who is also my friend (you know how it goes), and was both taken aback and pleasantly surprised when she offered me the friend discount for her services - so the total was much lower than i was expecting. in fact, the combination of the hair color + haircut was the same price as JUST the hair color at the fancy beverly hills salon i had been frequenting. so instead of saying something like "wow, k! thank you so much, that's so sweet you're so amazing," i blurted out "wow, you're a bargain!"

WHAT. 

why on earth would those words come out of my mouth? bargain? ugh, so of course, after that, i got in my car and my words replayed in my head over and over and over again and i allowed myself to indulge in beating myself up. did i insult her? did she think i was rude? why did i have to use the word bargain? who says shit like that? and on and on and on. so much so, that i felt the need to text her and thank her again for making me look so good, and she texted back some smileys blowing kisses and i felt a little better. 

the progress comes in that it only lasted for a small part of the morning and i was able to let it go and continue on with the day. but i guess i am still thinking about it a little if i'm writing about it now (whatever). who knows. the point is, i'm learning. and i feel pretty good about it. 

xoxo

meags

.there goes the fear.

as the laughter died down and we paused a moment to compose ourselves, she asked "what would your dream job be?" she looked to me to answer first, and like every time when someone looks at me that way, waiting, demanding a response, my mind went blank and i couldn't think. what do i want? what do i like? what am i? who am i? i nervously rambled on and on about "regular hours" and "something not really in the office all the time" but never really said much of anything. i heard my other friend say that if she could do anything she would have a clothing line, but she really did enjoy her current job in advertising sales so she had no complaints. i think n mentioned something about working in her current field, in social work and therapy, as she did like helping people. and m would make documentary films, though she hasn't quite narrowed down her subject. everyone had answered the question, and the the natural flow of conversation suggested we move on to another subject. and at this exact moment, i was able to gather my thoughts and i thought 'i need to get this out i need to say this right now, i need people to know who i am, what i'm thinking, i need myself to know!'

"I THINK I WOULD BE A WRITER."

the words hung in the air, taunting me. but not with ridicule as they had been before. this time challenging me to follow.

i immediately went home, giddy with the prospect of writing something, anything, no matter how shitty it would be. because when i write about my dreams in my blog, they usually come true.

challenge accepted, universe.

xoxox
meags